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Home > Uncategorized > Cause and Effect (“All hands, abandon ship!”)

Cause and Effect (“All hands, abandon ship!”)

FIFA Soccer 09 includes play-by-play by Clive Tyldesley and commentary by Andy Gray. Where’s John Motson? Anyway, I dunno about the other versions, but on the PSP, this game’s commentary has a ridiculous glitch where after a whistle for an offside, save, or what not, Andy Gray, thinking he saw one player bumrush another, claims that someone’s been hurt and needs to be wobbled away on a stretcher. Not only that, but he has been recorded crying the same conspiracy theory in every imaginable way:

"Well I think he may have to come off. It was a brilliant slide tackle, but I think he's injured himself."Was there even a slide tackle, let alone a brilliant one? Two players bumped into each other, and neither is rolling around with his hand in the air, looking in the ref's direction with the one open eye.
"Well, it was a great tackle; you have to admire that. But, he may have to come off -- I think he's injured himself.Well, that's an interesting observation. But, you just rearranged the clauses and downgraded "brilliant" to "great." I think I'm going to sidegrade the quality of that one from "dubious" to "repetitive."
"He may have to come off. He never held back with that slide tackle. But he's come off second best."Wait. What exactly are you saying? The guy who didn't hold back on the slide tackle is hurt?
"That was a great slide tackle. You have to admire that, but he may have to come off. He may have injured himself."Hold on. The player who's hurt is the one who didn't hold back on that slide tackle? What are you saying exactly?
"Well he didn't hold anything back with that slide tackle, but I think he's hurt himself."You sure are holding everything back on the variety. By chance are you burstin' for a pee, and need to quickly mail this one in?
"Well that was a brilliant slide tackle, but I think he's come off limping. Let's see if he can go on."OK. You're starting to sound like a crazy. Let's see for how much longer you can go on before you crap yourself and start drawing pentagrams on the wall with a chunk of your own stool.
"Well it was a lovely slide tackle, but I think he's come off limping. It'll be interesting to see of he can go on."Well blabbety blabbety slide tackle... this commentary is limping. It'll be interesting if it goes on in FIFA 10.
"That was a thunderous slide tackle, but I think he's injured himself in the process."I think you've injured your brain in the process.

As you approach the end of a game and hear one of these gems for the sixteenth time, you just want to punch someone in the mouth: Andy Gray, yourself, the testers who thought this was OK, the QA manager who doesn’t listen to testers, Billy Mitchell, Tyldesley — just ’cause he’s in the same room as Andy, the guy at EB Games who always asks me if I want the used version of the game I’m buying…

What’s that? Don’t shoot the messenger? Well it’s too bad I’m not playing the PS3 version. I could then download one of the non-English-language commentary packs, and while still getting some sense of atmosphere from the general tone of the play-by-play, hopefully not realize István B. Hajú or Evert Ten Napel are reading the same stupid lines over and over. Not exactly intended use, but it can serve a good purpose.

Goed was dat een briljante diauitrusting, maar ik denk hij limping. Zie of kan hij gaan!

Gee. Thanks a lot, Babel Fish.

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