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Go Go Ubisoft Marketing!!

Got my kickass newsletter from Ubisoft, trotting out their latest releases! Go Ubisoft marketing!

Ubisoft newsletter

“Become an invicible hero : from the Red West to the Atlantic depths!”

Space-colon-space whut! This almost rhymes, yo! It has rhythm! But wait. What’s that you say? An invicible hero? As in, Assassin’s Creed II “yo, I’m climbing the walls” invisible? Or Assassin’s Creed II “dang you saw me and now I gotta kill you” invincible? Or is this the new way of saying stealthy and unstoppable? NEways…

“Become the ultimate killing machine in No More Heroes 2!”

This isn’t the follow-up to the Wii cult hit that was a balls-out, over-the-top satire that oozed style and substance from every pore, with a sharp script, send-up on otaku, and memorable characters? No. This is where you get to become the ultimate killing machine! Just like Terminator Redemption, but a different game!

[Silent Hunter 5] “Rule the Atlantic! Experience the thrill of the hunt as the captain of U-boot!”

Aww yeah. Now this is what I’ve always wanted: to rule tha mofackin’ Atlantic! I want to be the captain of U-BOOT!!! Wait. Isn’t Silent Hunter a submarine sim? Fuck it! I will crush all those cargo ships as the captain of U-BOOT!!! Chain kills for high score! Own the leaderboard! Power up for infinite torpedoes! After crews abandon ship, you can experience the thrill of running them down with your sub! None of that crocodile tears bullshit from Das Boot — the captain of U-boot brakes for no one!

[The Settlers 7]: “Who will be the best strategist? Create your own kingdom and defeat your opponents in order to extend your territory.”

What, no exclamation point? It’s only a 17-year-old franchise. Maybe their “1” key broke from overuse. Or maybe they had to bring it down a notch, quiet the room down some, to ask us the penultimate question: who will be the best strategist? I am certainly no S-rank tactician, so I’m grateful to learn that I need to A) create my own kingdom, B) defeat my opponents in order to C) extend my territory. I’ve always taken the A) crush your enemies to B) see them driven before you and C) hear the lamentations of their women route. Well you’ve made this game sound sooo interesting. I am sold! Where do I buy?

Coming soon from Ubisoft: Imagine: Copywriter, and Imagine: Proofreader.

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